


Ashen Heart's Trauma

by lesbiananimeism



Series: Is This How We Wanted It To End? [3]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Byleth Twins AU, Edeleth Week (Fire Emblem), F/F, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles Route Spoilers, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Black Eagles Route (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), the edeleth in it is minor but there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-22 06:18:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20869574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbiananimeism/pseuds/lesbiananimeism
Summary: “…For a second… No, for the entire march towards Fhirdiad after the Tailtean Plains… I hated you, hated myself, and saw you as a monster.” (Saw you as Thales as the lying and traitorous Agarthans)Continuation of "If Only... There Was Another Way"





	Ashen Heart's Trauma

Edelgard, your emperor and love (_The woman you killed your own little brother for)_ frowns up at you from the door of your quarters (_Rhea’s Seiros’ your—her daughter’s)_, arms crossed across her chest. It’s the same look she’s sent towards you ever since the Strike Force got back from Fhirdiad (_You killed her you killed yourself you killed your daughter and you died too but you’re alive and she’s you’re not_), sad and regretful eyes, trying to express some kind of solidarity or understanding (_She can’t she couldn’t **how could she**_).

“You know you can talk to me,” she tells you whenever you’re both in private. But could you? How could you look at the woman you love, the woman you once chose over _your own brother_, and tell her that you regret choosing her? Regret choosing the Black Eagles over the Golden Deer, and regret declaring your decision to keep her safe and disobeying Rhea’s (_Seiros’ **your daughter’s**_) orders (_desires hopes and dreams **her thousand yearlong want and ambition**_).

How could you tell her that, for a few brief moments back at the Tailtean Plains, you looked at her with the same eyes your brother and Dimitri (_your brother’s love his princeking_) looked at her with. How could you tell her that, in the immediate moments after you had to _kill your own brother_, you saw her as the monster the Holy Kingdom and Knights had portrayed her as.

You know you need to, had given Edelgard your mother’s ring after the Black Eagle Strike Force returned to the monastery when the adrenaline high and sense of _freedom_ from the feeling of your newly beating heart helped mask your feelings. You owed her a discussion, and after the honesty and loyalty and _love_ your emperor showed you mere months after your five-year absence she deserves _your_ honesty.

“Dimitri was my brother.” It’s the first time she’s done anything but insist you talk. Your gaze drifts to her, letting her know that you’re paying attention. “His step-mother was my birth mother. When we first met we had no idea, he only knew me as my uncle’s ward.”

Her eyes and tone darken at the mention of her uncle and not for the first time the urge to kill Volkhard von Arundel (_Thales coward rat betrayer_) rises within you. Briefly you feel that same urge for destruction, an urge you _know_ is born from the Fell Star born in you, the urge for _conquest_ that followed you your whole life as the Ashen Demon (_that led to your brother’s death your brother’s murder your brother’s suicide_).

But Edelgard’s words quench it.

“I… I forgot about my time in Fhirdiad, during my time with those who slither.” Her voice is soft and contemplative, and for the first time in the weeks since Rhea’s defeat (_death murder_) you don’t feel the urge to avoid her gaze. “But eventually… during our final words… I remembered him—the boy I taught to dance, who I built a rapport with in that… foreign country. And I think… I think I can at least understand, somewhat, how you feel.”

And like that, the anger comes back. It’s not an emotion you’re unfamiliar with (_Kronya Solon Thales **Thalesthalesthales betrayerliarratsnakecowardkiller**_), but the feeling of it is still hot and energetic, almost painfully so.

Edelgard clearly sees the anger in your expression and raises her hands to assuage the situation. “I do not mean to say our situations are the same! Or that how you felt slaying your brother was anything like my slaying Dimitri!” She stops and takes a breath to calm herself—clearly your anger was enough to shake the emperor in a way you’ve never seen. “I was simply saying… I know what it’s like to lose a sibling, a dearly loved one at that, and… while I have never personally slain one that I truly cared about personally, I have blamed myself for years for my siblings’ death.”

The sight of her tears and the wavering in her voice is enough to dissuade your anger towards her—as always, Edelgard was easily able to influence your emotions with her own. Under the circumstances, it’s clear to you how Edelgard was able to inspire such… _devout loyalty_ in you.

** _I don’t think you’re a demon, big sis!_ **

“…For a second… No, for the entire march towards Fhirdiad after the Tailtean Plains… I hated you, hated myself, and saw you as a monster.” (_Saw you as Thales as the lying and traitorous Agarthans_)

They’re the first words you’ve spoken to Edelgard in weeks, aside from monosyllabic denials and affirmations, and… You can easily see the hurt in her eyes, her face before she was able to slam her mask over them. To an extent you want to feel hurt by her resorting to her mask of Emperor around you, but considering…

“I… cannot blame you, I suppose,” she bites. “Considering the circumstances, anger or hatred is understandable.”

“It waned not long after… Serios—” (_My daughter your daughter her daughter did we have to kill her why did we push her so far gone what **changed**_) “—…set fire to the city without evacuating the civilians.” If Edelgard noticed your struggle to speak, she makes no indication and lets you continue. “I do not share your belief that the ends justify the means, I… I cannot justify my brother’s death—” (_Murder suicide you killed him she made you kill him demondemondemondemon**demon devil of ash Imperial attack dog lap dog of the emperor**_) “—Alternatively, I do not doubt that Byleth’s surviving would have been able to prevent Rh… Seir…” you sigh, annoyance and frustration dripping from your lips. “_The Archbishop_ from doing what she did.”

Nothing but her death would have been able to make up for your—Sothis’—daughter’s actions, of that you’ve always been sure.

“And the only way for your brother to have been able to live, would have been if I’d left Dimitri alive—which would have posed a threat to my own survival.”

You nod. At the end of the day, your only aim in that battle was to keep your allies and your emperor alive, never once considering that your victory would mean your brother’s death.

Edelgard sighs and walks slowly towards you, making sure she’s not stepping past any invisible boundaries. When she gets to you, she pulls you into a hug—much like the one she gave you after you awoke from your five-year long slumber. She pulls your head to her chest, her heart beat—and isn’t that a concept you’re still trying to understand, that people’s hearts _beat_—echoing through her chest plate and into your ears.

You find that the steady consistency of it has a calming and grounding effect for you. And the voices—yours, Sothis’, the memories… they go quiet, finally.

“This time… this time, my teacher, you have the fortune of time. If you wish to cry, I am here for you. If you wish to mourn as Felix does, I am always your willing sparring partner. And if you wish to rage…” Her tone hardens with a sort of sadistic glee. “Then you may rage.”

You lift your head away and look at her questioningly. Edelgard steps back, a grin gracing her face. “While I and the rest of our Strike Force work on stabilising Fódlan and pushing our reforms, I will need you and Hubert to continue our battle with those who slither in the dark.”

You snap to attention, the voices back and louder than they’ve ever been—screaming for Thales’ blood and the vengeance you lost your chance at over a millennium ago. Edelgard—_El_—reaches her hand out to you. “Will you take your anger and hatred to them one more time, my teacher? Will you rain the fury of humanity, blessed by the Fell Star of conquest, down on the Empire’s—my, _our_—enemies once again?”

You need only consider for a heartbeat, your heartbeat, as you grab El’s hand in your and kneel before her, hand at your lips.

“Always, _my emperor_.”


End file.
